My ex was great when
I was in labour but now
he has no time for our
son
When he comes over, he just sits in front of the telly and moans about his job or goes and gets a new tattoo. He didn’t turn up for our son’s first injections and tried to give me money to make up for it
Dear Coleen
I had a baby 12 weeks ago, but I split up with my son’s father when I was pregnant.
When I found out we were having a boy he completely changed and became really controlling, telling me what our son’s name would be, what sports he would play and what team he’d support. I didn’t have a say in anything.
The birth didn’t go to plan – the heartbeat dropped and I had an emergency C-section, which caused complications and I was very ill for a week.
It was scary, but thankfully my son and I made a full recovery. My ex was great while I was in hospital, but as soon as he was told I was coming home, he started being snide, commenting on how I had no bum and my boobs had shrunk.
Since then, he’s let us down a lot – when he comes over, he just sits in front of the telly and moans about his job or goes and gets a new tattoo. He didn’t turn up for our son’s first injections and tried to give me money to make up for it.
I was so angry I slammed the door in his face. I’ve talked to him many times about being there for his son and that it means more than just giving us a bit of money, but he just doesn’t get it. He’s not affectionate to our son and never picks him up or kisses him, but he makes me feel like a bad mother. I don’t know what to do any more.
Coleen says
Some people don’t step up to the plate when it comes to parenthood and it’s their hard luck because they’re missing out on something wonderful. It sounds to me as if you’ve tried really hard to get through to him, but it hasn’t worked.
I know money isn’t everything, but please make sure he’s paying you what he should in maintenance. He must take responsibility for that. But if he’s not willing to put anything into his relationship with his son, then I would stop trying to force him and, right now, your son doesn’t need that kind of role model in his life.
Until he proves to you that he can be a proper dad, then I would just leave him to it and focus your energy on your lovely new baby. It’s hard being a single parent, but even if you got back with your ex, you’d effectively be a single parent anyway.
Stop fighting to make this man – who has shown himself to be controlling and nasty – do the right thing. Get as much support as you can from your friends and family and enjoy the time with your son. If further down the line he wants to be more involved with your son, then he’ll need to prove that he deserves it.
Dear Coleen
My sister-in-law is having a 40th birthday party soon but hasn’t invited my parents. There’s bad feeling between them that goes back years when she was first dating my brother.
He was training to be a doctor and they believe she made him give it up and get a job after she became pregnant.
She’s also older than him and my parents thought it was a bad match from the start.
I like her and want to go to the party, but I’m worried about offending my mum and dad and creating more problems. I feel torn between them and her.
Coleen says
Your brother is still with her, they have a child together and obviously love each other, so I think they’ve proved that the match was a good one.
What’s more, I’m sure your brother wouldn’t have given up his medical training if he didn’t want to give it up.
Maybe his heart wasn’t in it and your sister-in-law gave him that push – or the confidence – to jack it in and try something else.
If nothing else, your parents need to move on for the sake of their son and grandchild, but it’s not something you can make them do.
It doesn’t mean you can’t have a relationship with your sister-in-law and you should simply make that clear to your parents.
Say you accept their point of view, but that you don’t have a problem with her and want to go to the party. Hopefully, they’ll respect your views.
As for your sister-in-law, of course she doesn’t want two people at her party who don’t like her and have never supported her. No one likes a party pooper!
Dear Coleen
My boyfriend and I are staying with his parents until we can move into our new home.
We get along fine and they’ve been very hospitable, but the problem for me is that the walls are paper-thin and I can’t relax when we’re having sex! Also, we’re trying for a baby, so we have to make love at certain times, but I’m totally put off that his mum and dad are in bed in the next room. I’m worried this will scupper my chances of conceiving. What shall we do?
Coleen says
If you don’t want to put your baby-making plans on hold, then maybe you need to move out and rent somewhere short-term until your new home is ready!
Either that or plan a couple of nights away once a month during your fertile days.
It’s unlikely you’re suddenly going to relax now that this is an issue for you. But use opportunities when his parents are out and it’s just the two of you at home to make love.
And don’t put too much pressure on yourself to conceive – that’s a sure-fire way to kill the passion. Good luck!
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