[Advice Needed] She Played With My Emotions! How Do I Forgive Her?

I dated a girl for 2 years without s*x and I did all I could to show how much I really loved her. I am a very gentle guy, actually an introvert in a way.
In those days, I cherished and respected women, ladies and girls as I held them in high esteem. I was the perfectly loving and caring kind of guy who would/could do anything for a lady I really loved.

I would give this girl money without thinking about it, I would call her so often, write her poems. While she would hardly allow me to kiss, let alone s*x. I didn’t budge or consider it a big deal.

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It so happened that everything I did became so bad that I irritated her. She got angry and despite me being without fault at all, I would still be the one to beg her, but she would fume for so long; sometimes it could take 2 days to beg her.
And then came a dude into the picture. I later realised she was acting this way because of the dude. She became an emotional manipulator such that she only called or sent me a call-me-back text when she needed money.
It would be something like: ‘baby, I am missing you’, and after a day, she would call me to say she is broke. I would send her money but at that time I was a student and wasn’t working. I can’t imagine how many times I sent this girl money out of love I had for her. Not because I am rich and I know how often I deprived myself of good things I could have enriched
myself with.
It happened that I lost a parent but she never came for the burial. A day to the burial she requested I should buy her a phone but never asked me for money to come for the burial. Apart from the day of demise, she never called me except I called her, I don’t get to hear from her. It was during this time I found out she was dating another dude, which she denied initially. I would call her and she would terminate the call while talking to this dude at night. This went on for months.
There was a time she asked me for airtime only for her to use it to call this dude at night. I knew she would be on phone that night and so I rang her and truly, she was. The next day I was at her house and saw series of text the dude sent to her. I went to her sent messages and saw what she sent in return…
When I confronted her she gave a flimsy excuse which prompted me to take the number from her phone. I called the dude and confirmed they were dating… I guessed he sensed it and called her. Guess what? She called me, in fact that was the longest call I ever got from her. And instead of begging she was insulting me. She went as far as saying, if I met the guy in person do I think I can stand him or have the guts to look at him in eyes, let alone ask questions?
Damn! She was rather defending him than begging me.
Later she told me she wont be seeing him again and we made up. A few weeks later, I saw her email to the dude… While coming from the bank where I had gone to send her money AGAIN!
I asked her and she denied. Well, I still ignored and went on. However since I lost a parent, I couldn’t keep up with financial demands. Things nose-dived such that we were ”grounded to a halt”.
In the middle of all this, she dropped the bomb-shell that the dude had s*x with her while I was still mourning because it was still fresh. She pleaded and claimed it was a mistake. She requested to see me and I went as far as scooping a few thousands again at the detriment of my siblings. How I pulled that stunt still baffled me till date.
As usual, she messed up again with another dude and this time, in my presence….
That’s just a summary…

I broke up with her the next day, but not without so much pain; so much pain that I have never felt since I was born. The thought of being played, exploited, the wasted money, energy, risks… Made me cringe. 3 days later, she sent me a text and I quote: ‘if you know you want me to forgive you, send me Nx,x x x now’.  Just imagine!
For the first time in my life, my heart plotted evil. I thought hard of what I could do to her to make pay and feel pains… The worst was that she never apologised. I relayed my plans to a friend who knew her and they quickly started begging me, including her own friend.
Time grew old; seconds became hours, hours became months and months became years…
I had to take you down memory lane of where I am coming from but that’s not the main gist. That singular experience has really reduced my tolerance level for women. I can easily slap a girl at slightest provocation if she messes up. She however summoned courage to come and beg… We do communicate once in a while and just last night, she said she is scared of me. I asked her why and she said because of the past and that she had been wanting to tell me. She also said that’s why she avoids me due to her presentiment. She said it seems I have not forgiven her. It got to a point she begged me to change the subject of discussion. And I ask her why. She said it makes her feel guilty due to her past. She claims to regret what/all she did to me and was sorry (in February).
When she said she is scared of me. She dreads me these days I guess. She feels it in her spirit. The strange thing is that I do call her if I feel like. Honestly in my spirit I haven’t forgiven her which I have been living in denial. Sure she begged and I told her I have forgiven her, but my spirit hasn’t forgiven her. When she told me she is scared of me, I felt the
quake of her voice and it came from her heart. But my spirit hasn’t forgiven her. I felt like crying yesterday and I wondered what kind of heart I have developed towards a fellow human. I have never had it like this in my life before; I mean finding it hard to forgive someone, someone I once loved and it made me feel guilty.
I don’t know how to get this thing off my chest. I don’t know why I can’t forgive her or how could I look up to God with prayers when I have an unforgiving spirit towards a fellow human. This thing is really complex as I have tried so many ways but non seems to be working for me. Avoiding her didn’t work neither did bringing her close. Absolutely nothing has worked. How did you forgive and forget the one that betrayed you?
I need help..